Tue, 29 Oct 2024 04:55:04 -0700WeeblyMon, 28 Dec 2020 19:41:17 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/sex-after-baby-part-1Reprinted from Foriawellness.com

Written by Kiana Reeves, Somatic Sex Educator, Full Spectrum Doula, and Foria's Chief Education Officer

This might surprise you, but sex is usually what makes babies. Interestingly enough, sex is also usually the last thing on your mind after you have a baby, partly because of the lack of time in the day, partly because of physical and biological factors, and sometimes simply because you just don’t have the emotional space. 

When you spend nearly a year growing a small human, intense hours (or days) giving birth, and weeks and months healing physically from the experience, along with discovering that your body, while capable of this magnificent feat, is also somewhat unrecognizable, it’s easy to see why so many postpartum birthing parents find it hard to find intimacy again with their partner. 

Sex after having a baby sometimes doesn’t even feel feasible physically. It can be intimidating re-introducing your partner to a part of your body that feels tender or different, it can feel exhausting to think about sex after a night of feedings and diaper changes – and most people don’t tell you that this can go on for years.

Many moms report having difficulty in finding their libido again, many others have pain from their birth injuries that can last years or longer. So how do we nurture ourselves and our intimate relationships without it feeling like another responsibility?

Let's start with the physical recovery
How long after you have a baby can you have sex? In our highly medicalized society, we tend to think in terms of physical healing and concrete timelines. Six weeks postpartum is the usual time when doctors in the US will tell new parents that it’s safe to start having sex again, but when you look at collective wisdom from other cultures and different times, the story of postpartum healing is different. That includes how we re-engage our sex lives.

The six-week mark aligns with the time when the uterus heals (and the surgical incision, if you had a C-section) and the wound the placenta left when it detached stops bleeding, but does that really mean you are ready to have sex again? Sex isn’t just a physical experience. It’s best when body, heart, and mind are aligned – and for a new birthing parent, that can be a hard path to navigate. 

It’s common to have no sex drive after baby – even after that six-week interval, even when the cramping and post-partum bleeding and mucus stop. The truth is that healing from birth goes on long after the six-week mark. Many cultures honor the first 40 days as a time for rest – but understand that the entire first year is a time to be gentle and have extra support.

During the first six weeks your uterus is easing back to its pre-pregnancy shape and is very delicate. The ligaments supporting it have been stretched, and the uterus itself needs time to go back into position and heal from where the placenta detached. Even after 6 weeks this area can feel tender, and not ready for any kind of touch or penetration. 

Also, you may be healing from other wounds of birth – incisions from surgical births, tears from vaginal births, and episiotomies all involve intense and often painful healing processes that can take months, sometimes longer to fully recover from. Scar tissue can cause a lot of pain, and can last a long time. Studies suggest that pain after birth is incredibly common. For a deep dive on painful sex and how to work with scar tissue check out our blog on Painful Sex. Physical therapy can help, as can castor oil compresses, vaginal massage, and scar tissue remediation. Consult your healthcare provider for referrals to practitioners who can help.

Since pelvic health is such a critical part of postpartum healing, and therefore your ability to enjoy sex, we consulted with Kimberly Johnson, author of “The Fourth Trimester”, holistic somatic educator and women’s health advocate, who shared her perspective on the most important tools for pelvic health & postpartum recovery. 

“The most important part of pelvic healing postpartum is absolute rest. The midwife's adage, "5 days in the bed, 5 days on the bed, and 5 days around the bed," is a minimum requirement for making only the most necessary movements. Gravity acts on soft ligaments at this time, so minimizing movement will allow the bones and organs to return to their optimal sizes and placement, in turn lessening the possibility of back pain, prolapse or incontinence. The most impactful and efficient practice besides rest is vaginal steaming.

The results of a preliminary study on the effectiveness of steaming after birth (for vaginal birth, not Cesarean) showed less bleeding, less itching and less pain with stitches, as well as faster labial recovery for the group that steamed daily from day 4 to day 8 post birth. Vaginal steaming also feels good and smells good, so if birth was difficult, you have the opportunity to have a positive reparative experience as you feel the gentle, warm touch of the steam in your pelvis.”

While vaginal steaming is considered controversial in certain circles, it has been documented as a practice for healing after birth in cultures around the world. The magic of heat, water, and herbs helps to increase circulation to vaginal tissues is a time honored tradition. If steams aren’t your thing, sitz baths are a great alternative and also regularly recommended by healthcare professionals. 

Hormones Hormones Hormones
While your uterus shape-shifts, your hormones are adjusting too. The placenta is responsible for many of the hormones produced during pregnancy including progesterone and estrogen, which help maintain the pregnancy and prepare the body for birth. In its absence, there’s a transition period when your body has to adjust and take over hormone production  – especially if you are breastfeeding, which releases an important hormone called prolactin.

Speaking of prolactin, ever hear that myth that you won’t get pregnant if you’re breastfeeding on demand? It’s partly true – though many, many babies are born as a result of breastfeeding-as-birth-control, so don’t rely on it. But prolactin does increase milk supply – and, for most people, it also diminishes our sex drive. 

This is because prolactin suppresses production of estrogen, which is an essential hormone when it comes to desire, libido, and even lubrication and supple vaginal tissues. Many people notice that there is some irritation with penetration after giving birth – even after physical healing is “complete”. This may be caused by a decrease in estrogen, similar to what happens during menopause. (There are ways to help feel better, but we’ll get to those later.)

Let’s also consider the nervous system
When the body is stressed, in survival mode, or adapting to major changes – which a new baby certainly is! – your body may perform a kind of triage, and eliminate nonessential urges. 

Sex is often the first thing to fall by the wayside. Breastfeeding isn’t reliable birth control, and having babies too close together was very dangerous for most of our history as a species, so libido changes after baby make sense from an evolutionary perspective. On a primal level, eschewing sex (and not getting pregnant again too soon) means prioritizing your child’s needs – and yourself. 

So perhaps the first step to a fulfilling postpartum sex life is making sure you feel as safe and nourished as possible.

In cultures around the world and throughout history, there is a traditional period of 40 days when the birthing parent is required to rest. The physical intensity of building a human, and birthing them from your body either vaginally or surgically, requires a lot of healing.

On top of that, you’re thrust into the brand-new realms of parenthood – which change your daily rhythms entirely and impact all of your eating, sleeping, and survival strategies. You’re left running on fumes of love and oxytocin. To say the least, it is hard. 

In countries as varied as France, Finland, Taiwan, and many others, national governments provide free or very low-cost healthcare, generous parental leave, and post-birth support for new parents that may include home midwife visits, free baby supplies, pelvic floor therapy, and many other services that honor the historical 40-day period of rest. Elsewhere (ahem, US, we’re looking at you), we’re left on our own. 

How does this relate back to sex? If you’re not supported mentally, emotionally and physically, you might not feel safe or emotionally available enough on a deep level to want to engage in partner sex. Even though sex can be incredibly nourishing, it sometimes can feel like another thing that needs your attention, or it’s just hard to muster the energy. 

Being ready to engage intimately with a partner may mean that you need to be supported through sufficient sleep, nourishing foods, having enough time to rest and recover, and as little stress as possible. We know it’s hard to come by, but finding some alone time is an essential ingredient. It might sound entirely impossible, but hear us out as to why this is not a luxury – it’s actually a necessity.

Finding pleasure, when pleasure can be hard to find
Now that we’ve talked about those crucial six weeks (let’s also be clear, postpartum can really be the first few years) if you feel like your body is in a good place but your mind, heart and emotions just can’t get there, let’s talk about some ways you can reconnect to your own desire, sensuality and libido. 

New parents report feeling just exhausted, of course. It’s not just the disrupted sleep and the stress of keeping a tiny human alive; we also might be completely “touched-out”. Having a little person clinging to you all day long, plus the skin-to-skin contact that’s necessary for bonding, is wonderful – but it has a way of absolutely tanking whatever libido you may have access to.

Whatever you need to do to make this happen for yourself, make sure you get to have breaks. Let your partner know that your sex life depends on it! If at all possible, take time for naps, long baths, fresh air and gentle walks, undisturbed do-nothing alone time, breathwork, and even gentle, goal-free masturbation. One of the best tools for connecting with your sensuality can simply be putting on your favorite playlist and dancing, anything that gives you the sense that your body is your own, and that pleasure is an easy to access form of nourishment. 

Consider also that in the postpartum period, your libido may still be present – it’s just hiding. Many of us are used to experiencing our sex drive as coming from somewhere within us. “The mood” comes over us, and we want it now! This is called spontaneous desire. It arrives out of thin air and gets your motor running.

But there’s another kind of desire that’s very important to know about, and may be more present in the postpartum period: responsive desire, which you may not feel until you’re responding to something in your environment. This might be the way your partner touches you, a sex scene in your favorite romance movie, whatever it is – IT is inspired by a response to your environment, and you can use that to help you get the juices flowing. Erotica, a sensual massage, a sexy audiobook perhaps – this could be a good time to explore new ways to connect with your sexual self.

So maybe you’ve figured out your body needs some different things than it used to, but you’re up for exploring. The good news is that there is an infinite buffet of options, and you can pick and choose what feels good for you. Some ideas that have worked well for some folks include practicing giving without receiving, taking the pressure off of reciprocal pleasure and just gifting your partner, or receiving from your partner something that feels really good to you in the moment. 

You can craft an agreement with your partner about what feels good if penetration is off the table, that can look like a request for clitoral stimulation, making out, touching each other sensually but not on the genitals. It could also look like an agreement to try very slow and well lubricated penetration with no goal other than to be with what feels good in the body. 

The pressure to “have sex” can so often contribute to the resistance to wanting it, so sharing with your partner how you feel is essential, and then sharing some ideas about what would feel good for both of you. It may feel awkward, but as we ALWAYS say, in almost all the blogs we write – sex with no goal is the best kind of sex. 

Lastly, let’s talk about the fact that there really is no universal timeline for how to re-enter the sex world after having a baby. It should be when YOU feel ready, with zero pressure. There are plenty of ways to enjoy intimacy without penetration too, if intercourse still isn’t quite working for you.

Oral sex, making out, being patient with yourself and with your partner and knowing that your desire will come back with time is so important! And it might be clunky, it might look different, it might feel different, your body might respond differently – and that is all OK. You’re doing such an important job – make sure to be kind to yourself, and you’ll get there. Promise. It just might take some time, patience, and good care.

For more sexual health and well being education and quality products, please visit: ​https://www.foriawellness.com/collections/all

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]]>Wed, 15 Apr 2020 01:30:25 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/how-to-make-love-during-a-crisisReprinted from Foriawellness.com
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Many of us (including Foria) have called the covid-19 pandemic “unprecedented” – but that isn’t totally correct. Epidemics, pandemics and plagues have swept the globe on a regular basis throughout history. In many ways, humans are wired to adapt to catastrophes like this. We wouldn’t have survived so long if we weren’t.

But this is an entirely new experience for most of us. We don’t have a concrete idea of what will happen next, in our lives or in the wider world. That uncertainty might be influencing our mental and physical health in unpredictable ways, whether we’re self-isolating at home or still venturing out to do essential work.

Physical intimacy, experienced alone or with a partner, is an important aspect of our lives that may be affected by the chaos of the times – often in ways that can seem very strange to us. Disconcerting feelings are to be expected, especially if we usually know ourselves and our intimate needs well.

We might find ourselves craving connection so much we can’t see straight, or maybe our libidos have gone on strike. In either instance, we might feel even more destabilized than we already do – but whatever we’re feeling, it might help to know that it’s entirely natural.

And there are ways to honor our intimate selves, patiently and kindly, that will support us through this crisis and well beyond.

The science of sex and stress
How our sex drives respond to high-stress situations is very individual and hard to predict, but, paradoxically, an overactive libido and one that just wants to take a nap can both be explained by evolutionary pressures.

It’s a cliche that lots of babies are born nine months after natural disasters. People holed up at home with nothing else to do can and will find ways to occupy themselves. And the primal urge to create more little humans could actually be triggered by large scale threats – the resolution of World War 2 (and the soaring local economies that went along with it) may have been the cause of the skyrocketing birthrates that gave boomers their generational nickname.

It makes intuitive sense that when survival is on the line, people will get busy propagating their genetic material – even if they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing. But why does danger often have the opposite effect?

Too much of the stress hormone cortisol can suppress our sex drives to the point of invisibility. Stress hormones’ job is increasing our responses to immediate hazards, keeping us out of trouble in the moment, and they may also signal that it’s not a safe time to get naked. When this happens, we can trust that our bodies are trying to keep us alive.

Safer-at-home partnership
Let’s say you’re sheltering with a longtime partner. (Please, everyone – this is not the time for Tinder hookups. If you’re not self-isolating together, hold off on the partnered lovin’.) And let’s say both of you are experiencing that overactive baby-boom libido. Great! Nothing to see here, move along, sorry about the condom shortages.

But what if one of you isn’t feelin’ it and the other very much is? Mismatched sex drives are a major source of relationship friction at the best of times, and these are certainly not the best of times. Business as usual may not be cutting it for either of you – so now might be the perfect time to explore some different ways to bond, express yourselves, and maybe learn something new about what makes you tick.

To relieve some of the pressure, consider delaying orgasm or even taking it out of the picture altogether. Karezza, a practice which has been called “the hygge of sex”, emphasizes intimacy, touch, and connection over the rush to climax. Slowing down, taking the time to savor sensations, looking into each other’s eyes, rediscovering erogenous zones you might have forgotten about, and removing the “goal” of orgasm are all methods Karezza practitioners – many of whom have very longtime partners – swear by for maintaining emotional and sensual attachment.

In some cases, we’ll actually need touch first in order to get in the mood – so your libido might not be gone at all. It might just need to be gently reminded. And if neither of you are interested, massages, cuddling, or simply spending quality time in bed together with the lights off are all beautiful ways to stay in touch, instead of drifting apart under the same roof.

Flying solo
We’re huge proponents of “slow sex” in general, even – especially – if you’re alone. But getting trapped in expectations around “performance” or “results” can make an already-shy libido want to run and hide – so consider taking this time to redefine your self-love routine. Instead of a rush to release, masturbation can be calming, restorative, a place to recharge – with orgasm if you want one, not if not.

Instead of reflexively grabbing the lotion or your trusty vibe, consider asking yourself open-ended questions about what would feel good right now – are there parts of your body that feel neglected? Touch yourself head to toe and find out. Change positions, change locations, explore varieties of touch, texture and pressure that aren’t your usual. What feels truly exciting? Comforting? Meet this moment with compassion for yourself, your body and your mind. 

And solo intimacy can also be a way to learn how to trust yourself. If you really truly don’t feel like it? Don’t. Nobody’s keeping score here. Above all else, be patient and kind to you.

Keeping the flow going
Maintaining healthy interconnectedness is the most important way that humans have survived calamities for thousands of years. We are communal creatures, and we need “our people” to be safe and secure. Compassionate communication and healthy intimacy – however we express it – is crucial to our relationships with our partners, and those relationships can help us stay strong.

Outside the intimate realm, it’s so important to stay connected with friends, neighbors, and families of blood or choice – even when you can’t see one another in person. And there are many ways to help out our larger communities as well, even from afar. Finding bright spots and cause for hope can be a challenge these days, but it’s important that we try – so that when we do emerge from our hidey-holes, we do so vibrantly and whole. 

​For more sexual health and well being education and quality products, please visit: ​https://www.foriawellness.com/collections/all]]>Tue, 27 Sep 2016 20:44:30 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/porn-the-great-debate
I have been meaning to write this post for a very long time, but have been hesitant because the topic of pornography can be very emotionally charged. There are many current news articles, websites, and movies that depict porn in a solely negative light.  I believe the primary reason for this is the enhanced use of technology and the ease of access to pornographic materials.  While I do not believe pornography in and of itself is inherently evil or dangerous, excessive viewing can certainly create devastating consequences.

It was recently posited in a TIME magazine article, "Porn and the Threat to Virility", dated 4/11/16, that the significantly increased viewing of porn is causing a dramatic rise in medically diagnosed erectile dysfunction in men under the age of 40 (ED rates in 1992 = 5% vs. ED rates in 2013 = 26%).  This science is based on the fact that excessive viewing of pornography increases the craving centers in the brain to want more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphin (happy hormones) production in order to experience the same degree of arousal.  This can then cause arousal addiction as the previous arousal responses become numbed causing the viewer to seek more or different images to provide the same biochemical rewards.  This process is well depicted in the TED talk on "The Great Porn Experiment" given by Gary Wilson.  There are multiple porn addiction recovery websites that are also gaining in popularity, which would seem to suggest that more people (both men and women) are suffering from the effects of excessive pornography viewing.  These websites include (but are not limited to): Noah Church's addictedtointernetporn.com, Gabe Deem's rebootnation.org, and Alexander Rhodes' nofap.com.  Additionally there are 2 great movies (Don Jon and Thanks for Sharing) on both porn and sex addiction that can help viewers understand how the viewing of pornography can help people develop unrealistic expectations of the sexual experience with a real partner.

​Now for the potentially good news.  Studies show that the recovery time ranges anywhere from 2-5 months depending upon age and amount of time spent watching pornography.  This means that the brain has the ability to become "rewired" back to pre-porn watching capacity and that erectile dysfunction can eventually be reversed completely.  However, simply discontinuing the viewing of pornography is not in itself sufficient.  The brain also needs to learn new methods of experiencing sexual activity with a real human as pleasurable, and ultimately, rewarding.

As with all intimacy issues, there is no perfect answer to any one topic.  The use of pornography either as an individual or as a couple must be openly discussed and revisited if intimacy problems arise. While one glass of wine does not make an alcoholic, occasional viewing of pornography does not indicate an addiction.  In order to create and maintain strong attachment and intimacy with another human, honesty, vulnerability, and continuous effective communication must be present.]]>Thu, 30 Apr 2015 21:08:14 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/sexuality-marital-intimacySexual and emotional intimacies are inextricably linked. A marriage that loses its passion becomes merely a good friendship and ceases to be a true marriage – which ultimately even ruins the friendship.

In the attached article, Dr. Heller reviews the vital importance of maintaining a healthy balance between emotional and physical intimacy in order for a marriage to thrive (and survive).  He does a great job of explaining the vital differences between men and women from both biological and psychological perspectives.  While the article is simplistic and narrowly geared to the heterosexual marital relationship, it is a useful resource to prompt an open conversation between two partners.  As he mentions, effective communication plays an important role before, during, and after physical intimacy no matter what degree of experience either partner has.  He also cites that there is a correlation between increased intimacy and decreased emotional conflict.  Bottom line is that when 2 people feel more connected, they tend to feel more positive about their relationship in general.

]]>Thu, 24 Apr 2014 23:08:08 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/chronic-pain-and-orgasmHow many times have you heard, "Not now honey.  I have a headache"?  It turns out that having an orgasm actually significantly decreases the severity of headache pain for chronic sufferers via the release of oxytocin, a hormone released by the pituitary gland.  In the highlighted article, "Pain, Depression, and the Lack of Orgasms", Dr. Wong creatively (and colorfully) describes the role of oxytocin and serotonin in fighting both pain and depressive symptoms.  In addition to decreased pain, oxytocin has recently been found to decrease the amount of opioid (narcotic) pain medications needed to achieve substantial relief by patients with chronic pain.  This is an area of medicine and science that most medical providers do not feel comfortable addressing in their treatment plans with chronic pain patients.  However, it is another natural, inexpensive, and accessible way to fight pain with very little side effects.  Also, don't forget that orgasm does not require a partner!
]]>Thu, 24 Apr 2014 22:31:06 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/foods-to-increase-libidoDo you find that you just haven't been "in the mood" lately?  While there are countless possible reasons for decreased libido, focusing on your nutritional diet is one easy (and inexpensive) way to increase your libido and sexual performance all at once.  The highlighted article lists 10 foods that have been proven to both increase your libido and sexual stamina.  Most of the foods can easily be found at your local grocery store and they also serve to increase your immune system health overall.  So go ahead and enjoy that dark chocolate covered strawberry while having confidence that you are doing something healthy and pleasing for both you and your sex life.

]]>Thu, 13 Mar 2014 22:44:31 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/tantric-sex-what-the-heck-is-thatIn the highlighted article on Tantric Sex, we learn that this mysterious method of increasing intimacy with your partner is simply practicing mindfulness.  Tantra is a meditative approach to sex that emphasizes being in the present moment without distractions, judgement, or goals to achieve anything other than just being together.  In fact, the 3 simple tips including: mindfulness, synchronized breathing, and taking turns providing pleasure can all be practiced in non-sexual ways just as easily.  So if the idea of Tantric Sex is intimidating, you can always start by practicing these simple steps to help enhance the quality and depth of intimacy with your partner in ways you can't even imagine.]]>Sun, 23 Feb 2014 19:00:16 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/sex-addiction-is-it-realIn the highlighted article, Sex Addiction: An Intimacy Disorder, the movie, Thanks for Sharing is reviewed.  It is an excellent portrayal of the challenges involved in learning to become vulnerable and emotionally intimate with another mate.  While it is projected that only 5-8% of the population is diagnosed with sexual addiction, this movie portrays how the "healthy" mate also suffers in the journey to heal and trust and form healthy attachments.  Like all addictive disorders, sexual addiction affects all the lives it touches in profound ways.  If you think that you or a loved one may be suffering from sexual addiction, there is help available.  Please email or call for an appropriate referral.]]>Fri, 17 Jan 2014 01:04:46 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/pornography-blessing-or-curseThe highlighted article, 10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex, is full of advice to women on how they can strengthen their emotional and physical bond with their mates.  The interesting thing is that, as of this posting, there are 1,126 comments on this article and most of them discuss either the blessings or curses of porn depending upon the individuals' experience.  The unfortunate part is that the other 9 areas of advice are completely overshadowed by the emotionally (and spiritually) flammable topic of pornography. Bottom line....COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER!  There are so many divisive topics that can sever an otherwise healthy relationship.  Keeping an open (and honest) line of communication about your wants and needs with your partner will strengthen your bond and allow both of you to make informed choices.

]]>Fri, 03 Jan 2014 08:20:19 GMThttp://intimacydoc.com/blog/sex-insomniaOrgasm can reduce sensitivity to pain and improve your sleep.  The highlighted article, 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex: The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom, describes multiple benefits of sex to overall health and well being.  The release of prolactin after orgasm induces sleepiness and the release of oxytocin and dopamine help alleviate stress.  Another reminder that a healthy sex life fosters better physical and mental health for both men and women.]]>